Life On The Other Side…

Why Can’t You Understand?
March 11, 2011, 4:52 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I was married to a man for 20 years.  He was a man that told me in year 2 that he never loved me.  He was a man that would go into mad, angry rages where he would call me everything but “white woman”.  He was a man that thought flowers were a waste, any extra money we got should go into guitars not bills and thought nothing of flirting with women right in front of his daughters and wife.  If this man was married to my daughter, or my sister, or my friend, I would have no problem staying away from him; I would be so angry with him that I wouldn’t even want to be in contact with him!….So why is it that I have people that are close to me (or should be close to me) that still “love him” and want to keep him in their life?  Why is it that these same people, think that God can change his heart (even though he wants nothing to do with God), but God can’t change mine?  All I hear from them is that they love him….I never hear them say they love me… hurts.

I forgave my husband a while ago.  I am happier now than I have ever been!  My children are happier now there is not anger and strife in our home. I really should thank him for leaving us.  I forgave him….is it wrong that I don’t want to be around him?  Is it wrong that I am hurt when those who are supposed to be my support system and are supposed to be there for me, are there for him instead?  Is it wrong that it hurts to be in his presence?  If I don’t want to be around him, or if it hurts me that those people want to be with him and defend him, does that mean that I haven’t forgiven him?  Am I still full of bitterness just because I want a life without him around all the time?  No, I have no bitterness toward him.  I hope he moves on and can find happiness.  I just don’t want him to be around me.  It is a reminder that I was rejected.  It is a reminder that I failed.  It is a reminder that this Christian woman did not act like a Christian wife.  It’s a hurtful reminder.

He chose to walk out the front door.  He chose to be angry all the time.  He chose to leave this family.  Then why am I the one that is paying the price?   Why am I the one who is constantly put under the microscope?  Why are my children and myself always being judged by how we will react when in his presence?  Why isn’t he being the one being judged?  Why am I being treated like I was the one that left him?   Why is he not judged or questioned or made to feel like a failure?

Someone hurt my father very badly.  This person never once hurt me.  Actually they treated me quite wonderful!  My dad was hurt by them and because of my love and respect for him, I do not go out of my way to see or talk to this person.  If I run into them, I say hello and go on….that’s the way it should be.  I love my dad and because of that, I choose to not hurt him anymore by seeking a relationship with someone that hurt him.  Do I think he’s bitter because he doesn’t want to be around them?  No, I think he’s hurt!

When my children bristle in the presence of their dad or hear his name, it is not because they are bitter.  It is because they are hurt!  They are hurt because their dad chose to move out.  They are hurt because their dad would rather go out and drink than take care of them.  They are hurt because their dad did not choose to love their mother.  They are hurt because their dad chose a life without them. They are hurt!!!  Why can’t you understand that?

This is not bitterness and anger in my face and heart…this is hurt!  I am hurting, and those closest to me cannot understand this hurt.   I feel betrayed.  I feel unloved.  I feel lost.  I feel hurt.   I AM hurt!

Why can’t you understand?


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